Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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