I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
