This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
