im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
