I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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