her vagine was all disorganized.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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