I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
