i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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