Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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