Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
