suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
