so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
