I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
