I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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