Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
