what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
