worst night to have a conscience
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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