I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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