Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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