Already got asked if we're dating
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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