I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
