apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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