just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
