I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
