Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
