I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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