Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
