I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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