i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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