I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
