Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
