ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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