So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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