just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
