If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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