I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
