I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
