My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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