How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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