Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
