I must be too annoying 4 u.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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