You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
