my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
