look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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