if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How does one acquire holy water?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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