my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
