so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
do herpes really smell.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.