I'm gonna have a badass scar
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
