My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
