her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
