btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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