Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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